I know it must have driven her crazy, and I really don’t know why she kept submitting herself to the frustration, but I’m glad she did. Mrs. Payne stuck with me every year even though she knew I’d do it again. I guess she knew that in the end I’d once again rise to the occasion, but looking back I have always ask myself how much better things could have been had I not been so…I don’t know, so selfish I guess.

Mrs. Payne was my high school English teacher. Please don’t hold my writing and grammar against her as you read my blogs, and things she did the best she could with what I gave her.  She was also the drama teacher so every year for the UIL Competition she was the One Act Play director. I was in three One Act Plays, and a Three Act Play my class performed our junior year. In all four of those productions I had the leading male role, and in all four of those productions I was the same old me. Being the same old me meant that she had to have faith that I would shine on the stage when the curtain was drawn, because I never really gave her everything I had during practice. I wasn’t good at practice. I would listen to her instruction and critique, and I would do it the way she thought best, but I just didn’t practice well.  

I later realized that the entire production could have been much better if I’d only practiced with as much intensity as I gave during the live performance. Had I practiced like I should have everyone else could have been better. They would have all known what I was going to do, and how I was going to do it, and I believe that could have enhanced our final product. Mr. Calfee even pointed this out to me on more than one occasion, but I just never changed the way I did things. I think I have always been and still am too independent. It’s not that I don’t take instruction; it’s that once I hear that instruction I will implement it and move on. I have always been the kind of person who just wants you to tell me what you want me to do, and then get out of my way I’ll take it from there. If I don’t know how to do what you want I’ll ask how, but once I know how I want you go about your business and just let me do what you have asked me to do.

I guess you could say I am just too independent. I like to do things my way. I like to be in charge. In group situations I really have to make myself take a step back and let the group dynamic work. When I do this it seems to always work out for the best. I may still end up in charge, but it is a position I earned not took.  You know I see the same thing happen in my Christianity. I struggle to allow God to be in control. I know what He wants, and true to my character I take it from there. I don’t allow Him to guide me. I don’t listen to His instruction. I just try to live Christianity the way I think it should be lived, instead of asking Him to show me the way. I know it must frustrate Him to see me struggle with my weakness. I know He must be saying “Kent let me help.” but instead, I continue to remain weak in some areas of temptation because I just want to take care of it myself.

My heart, my mind, my body, my soul

I give to You, take control

I give my body a living sacrifice.

Lord, take control, take control.

(Author Unknown)

Till next time,

Grump