I couldn’t help but chuckle the other day as I walked into the Kroger grocery store. There in front of me was a lady I figure to be in her seventies or eighties, standing behind her newly retrieved grocery cart, wiping the entire thing down with a “wet-one.” What?!!!

I see this kind of thing everywhere I go now days, and I really am getting a kick out it. We have slowly turned into a nation of germ-a-phobics.    (According to my computer there is no such thing, maybe that’s the problem, we don’t see a problem when it sticks to our hands.) Here’s the deal folks. We are so afraid of getting our hands dirty, or contaminated that we are making ourselves sick. Wow, right in the middle of typing that sentence I came up with an idea, no, make that two ideas, that are going to secure my financial future. Now you guys have to be honest and not rush to get the patents on these two ideas while I am typing this blog. I type a little slowly but these two ideas belong to me, and I will not allow you to steal them and become the one who is filthy rich instead of me. Ha, did you catch that play on words there? “Filthy” rich in an article talking about filthy germs?

Idea number one, just in case that antibacterial soap isn’t doing the job after we finish our “business” in the little girls, or boys room, I am going to invent disposable gloves made specifically for taking care of business in the little “room.” Now don’t get ahead of yourself here, these will be specially designed gloves, not just any glove will do the job. But, don’t worry about how you will know whether or not you have the authentic gloves for protection in the little “room” because I will have special packaging designed to let you know that the gloves you are putting on your hands are THE GLOVES you need for maximum cleanliness. Oh Man! It just now hit me; I can manufacture “special gloves” for other activities too! Think about it. Gloves made for germ protection to play on the playground. Different specially designed gloves for opening a door. Then another pair for picking up things like a can of peas. Don’t you see it now? The gloves that you are wearing to push the cart are not specially designed for use in picking up cans off the shelf. We are not just protecting against germs here, we also have to worry about slippage. Yes! Slippage! You see the gloves for pushing the cart will not be made with the proper suction cups for gripping cans and jars. These suction cups will be so effective that if you try to use them for pushing the cart your hands will be stuck to the cart handle. But don’t worry; I will also invent a special non-aerosol spray that will allow you to release your hands from the cart in the event you accidentally forget to change your gloves after you have picked up a can. Now this spray will have to be activated by blowing through a tube that has been inserted into your mouth because remember, your hands are going to be stuck to the cart. Oh, yes! I will also invent specially designed ultra clean mouthpieces for the tube. They will be hermetically sealed for your safety, and may only be used for one application, and then promptly disposed of in your specially designed environmentally safe disposable bag.

Man sorry about that, I got so wrapped up I forgot to make a new paragraph. By the way, be sure to follow this blog for future updates on the development of my latest product…steel-toe thongs. Oh wait; thongs don’t go on feet anymore…what’s the term I’m looking for? …..Oh, steel-toe flip-flops. You see in the event you are not wearing my specially designed safety gloves for picking up cans and bottles, you will need to be wearing steel-toe flip-flops to protect those little piggies were you to drop a can. Most piggies are ugly enough as it is, without unsightly bruises, cuts, and toenails with puss running out from under them because they were mangled by a dropped can of pickled beets.  

OK. Now we will discuss my second idea. Shirtsleeves with auto dispense hand sanitizer. No more fumbling in your purse or pockets trying to find that precious little bottle of magic poison designed to keep us germ free. A simple tap on the sleeve will safely dispense the perfect amount of germ killer every time. This is going to be BIG folks! I already have the mockup model built, but there is one thing holding us up. The legal work. This one presented problems I had not foreseen. It seems that there are two groups growing by leaps and bounds that I was not even aware of.   P.A.K.G., and the more touching group G.H.F.T.  …. Oh, let me help you here. People Against Killing Germs, and Germs Have Families Too. I’ll keep you updated on my progress in getting this myriad of products on the market. For now however, it seems all efforts have come to a screeching halt while the courts decide if germs have rights or not.

By the way, I started chasing a rabbit in the middle of the second paragraph, and totally wrote a whole different blog than I had intended. Maybe I’ll write the original some other time.

Till next time,

Grump